Around 2020 I started to hear inklings of a new term being thrown around. I love new terms and phrases. When I find a phrase that is pleasing I will research it in an attempt to distill its exact meaning. So much can be packed into a “meme” or a phrase. Sometimes you hear a word or phrase and it conjures up a potent mental image.
The new term was “Bugman” and it was used to describe a type of individual I had yet to encounter in small town California.
The primary characteristic of the Bugman seemed to be a heavy reliance on group think. The Bugman appeared to be the exact opposite of what you would call self reliant. The quintessential Bugman is a man who cannot rely on himself and looks to the system to provide him with his primary needs. The Bugman has such strong faith in the system he happily replaces all original thought with whatever is most agreeable to the machine at the time. His repulsiveness comes from his complete and total lack of a principled stance on any subject. Today he thinks this. Tomorrow he will think something else depending on what’s trendy.
Moving to NYC I have had the opportunity to meet many Bugmen. Encounters with the Bugman trigger an immediate repulsiveness. Talking to the Bugman is like speaking to a preprogrammed machine with a limited number of playback responses. They become animated at the first inklings of company gossip. The Bugman – much like the bug he is – will try to dig into you for information. His nature is to do whatever it takes to advance his own position in whatever way possible. Once again, the Bugman is void of morals. His loyalty is only to himself. Resist the urge to confide in the Bugman because he is not capable of any salient advice – only of weaponizing whatever secrets you divulge to him. The pre frontal cortex has been completely rewritten with a limited survival function.
In my encounters with the Bugman I have noticed a pattern – the smart watch. Nearly every single person I would consider a “Bugman” proudly wears one. The people I get along with and have the most in common do not wear the smart watch. This led me to realize perhaps the most primary characteristic of the Bugman is an extreme reliance on technology. And not just a reliance on technology, but a strange fetish with whatever the latest gadget is. Hearing a group of Bugmen discuss technology is vomit inducing. Deep down they crave to be treated like cattle – constantly monitored and kept safe all the way through the chute – right up to their quick death.
To the Bugman, technology is the God that informs them of their world. They have no problem with technology invading absolutely every orifice of their body. Meanwhile, any person with any semblance of intelligence is trying to get away from technology. They’re certainly not strapping more of it on their wrists. The Bugman however demands more. Technology to the Bugman means safety, convenience, and security – his most cherished values.
Today I asked a trusted coworker (non-Bugman) what he thought of the smart watches. I have developed a strategy of asking people oddball questions to see not only their initial response, but how they answer. Bugmen will have canned answers void of original thought. Some questions demand an original answer and I’ve seen this create a fear response in some Bugmen.
Non-Bugmen will at least have a mildly original answer, or at the very least will pause and think before answering. Bugmen are always quick to respond with the utmost generic answers, or they eject themselves from the topic because no canned response is available – like a program that has no instructions for the current task.
Before he could answer one of our Bugman coworkers jumped into the conversation with his opinion. He held his wrist proudly in the air to show off his cattle tracker. He was quick to discuss why he loved his smartwatch – a big reason being his insurance company gives him money for walking a certain number of steps each week. Yes, let that sink in.
Another reason was the health tracker – which is hilarious considering many Bugmen are grossly overweight or otherwise unhealthy individuals. Especially here in NYC there’s so much available food slop. If you listen to a Bugman describe why he loves the city it’s always something about the millions of slop food choices.
I knew asking any follow up questions to the Bugman would be an exercise in futility but I forged on anyways:
“You don’t care that your every step, heart beat, and fart are being tracked at every second of the day?”
The Bugman looked at me as if I had 5 heads. How could I possibly give even the slightest shit about that?
He rebuttled:
“You don’t have anything to hide do you? Why should I care if the insurance company is giving me money?”
And that right there pretty much sums up the primitive philosophy of the Bugman – As long as the end result benefits him it doesn’t matter. He will sign away every orifice as long as in the end there’s a piece of cheese. There’s no use in arguing with the Bugman or trying to get him to change his ways. Just nod your head and move on.
Part of the repulsiveness of his existence comes from the uneasy feeling that you cannot ever trust him. As you speak to them, it’s clear that if shit hits the fan he’ll throw everyone under the bus to save himself. The Bugman is a threat but not in the immediate aggressive sense. He’s just not to be trusted.
In fact, I do have pleasant interactions with Bugmen almost daily. It’s not that everything they do is repulsive (although this is indeed the case with some Bugmen.) It’s that I cannot trust them, ever.
What saddens me is I’ve seen these people throw others under the bus, rat out coworkers, and otherwise behave in this bug-like manner. It makes me uneasy around them, and also knowing there’s quite literally millions of people just like them in this city milling around just like bugs.
I ended the smart watch conversation with a joke for the Bugman:
“Yeah I had one of those before but it was on my ankle, I didn’t know they made them for the wrist too.”
I could see the Bugman squirm and this brought me great joy, but it was clear the mind of the Bugman was highly resistant to both logic and jokes. Absolutely nothing will get through unless it has been previously whitelisted in the program.
If you find yourself suddenly repulsed by someone and you don’t know why, look at their wrists – you may be dealing with the Bugman.